Owner’s Manual: GENESIS Brand Human Infant
HUMAN INFANT OWNER'S MANUAL
CONGRATULATIONS on becoming the proud new owner of a GENISIS brand HUMAN INFANT. Properly used and cared for, your HUMAN INFANT can provide you with a lifelong sense of love, purpose, and achievement. This owner’s manual comes included with purchase to ensure that you can get the most out of your new product.
Specifications:
Manufactuer: GENISIS brand
Make: HUMAN
Model: INFANT
Serial Number: 04252001
Size: Small
Weight: 8 lbs
Your GENISIS brand HUMAN INFANT comes with the following:
Two (2) onesies
One (1) pacifier, specially designed to be easy to lose
Seven (Not enough) diapers
Removing your GENISIS brand HUMAN INFANT packaging:
Method 1: Under normal circumstances, the GENISIS brand HUMAN INFANT should remove itself from its packaging with minimal coaxing. Some owners report dropping hot sauce or other spicy food into the box as a successful way to coax the HUMAN INFANT into leaving its packaging, but results of these efforts were mixed.
Method 2: On occasion, your HUMAN INFANT may have accidentally been manufactured too large for its packaging, and as a result will be unable to exit on its own. Under these circumstances, carefully make an incision along the width of the packaging and remove the HUMAN INFANT through it.
*It is strongly advised that if at all possible, you do not remove your HUMAN INFANT from its packaging prior to the recommended date.
Programming
Once removed from its packaging, your HUMAN INFANT will auto-activate, and has access to the following preprogrammed modes of behavior:
Docile (Default)- In this setting, your HUMAN INFANT is largely inactive but content. It may suck/teeth on something, stare at things, drool, or occasionally coo. This setting is active by default, and your HUMAN INFANT will revert to this setting in the event of a reset.
Curious (Default)- This setting is also active by default. Your HUMAN INFANT is built to learn, and learn fast. To aide in this process, while this setting is active your HUMAN INFANT will look around at everything (this behavior is at its highest if your HUMAN INFANT does not yet have object_permanence.exe installed), grab at things, and put just about anything into its mouth that it can get its hands on, whether it belongs in its mouth or not.
It is important to keep a close eye on your HUMAN INFANT while this setting is active, as it has been known to cause HUMAN INFANT models to do things that more sensible GENISIS brand products (HUMAN TODDLER, HUMAN CHILD, HUMAN ADOLESCNET, HUMAN ADULT, HUMAN CURMUGEON) would know to be dangerous or otherwise silly.
Crying- Your HUMAN INFANT will automatically enter this setting to alert you to its needs, without bothering to get into any specifics about what those needs are. You can induce this setting manually by smacking your HUMAN INFANT to any real degree, making loud noises, or in some cases, by being ugly. When this setting is engaged, your HUMAN INFANT will cry louder than you assumed was physically possible given its size, and will not stop until its needs have been fulfilled. (See Troubleshooting below).
Sleep- Due to the complexities of its inner workings, your HUMAN INFANT has a very short battery life. When its batteries are low, it may enter Crying mode to signal its desire to be placed in Sleep mode to recharge. Alternatively, if you’re insanely lucky, your HUMAN INFANT may activate this setting on its own. Your HUMAN INFANT typically will not need to remain in this setting for very long to reach a full charge, however, should you force cancel this setting by making a loud noise, disturbing the unit, or having the poor judgement to believe that you have time to rest while the unit is sleeping, the unit will exit Sleep mode and reactivate its Crying setting.
Troubleshooting
Problem: My HUMAN INFANT is crying, what do I do?
Solution: Check your units diaper to determine whether or not it has been soiled. If so, change the diaper and then attempt to put the unit back into Sleep mode.
Problem: That didn’t work!
Solution: Your unit may be hungry. Feed the unit milk or pureed baby food as deemed appropriate by the mileage on your unit. It should quiet during feeding. Be sure to burp the unit after feeding to avoid further issues.
Problem: That worked for a second, then it started crying again!
Solution: Your unit may be tired. Set it to Sleep mode to allow it to rest.
Problem: It woke up and started crying again!
Solution: You did feed it a while ago. Check the diaper.
Problem: This thing’s cute, but I’ve had it for like two years and I’m getting tired of it.
Solution: This is a perfectly natural response most owners have around this time. Might we recommend turning in your old HUMAN INFANT model in exchange for a free upgrade to a HUMAN TODDLER model?
Disclaimer: GENISIS brand is not responsible for the condition of your HUMAN INFANT unit either before or after it is removed from packaging. GENISIS will not replace stolen or damaged units. Any owners found in the possession of a damaged unit or a unit that has been rendered nonfunctional will face criminal charges. You may not return your HUMAN INFANT unit, but you may donate it to another party provided proper legal procedures of your state of residence are followed. In some states, you may not cancel your order for a unit once it has been submitted, even if the order was submitted without your approval.
This has been sitting in my Drive for ages, and I figured it was past time I stopped hoarding it to myself and reintroduced some variety into the Web Originals tab. I first wrote this for a Creative Writing Class in college, but it remains one of my favorite creative pieces, and the concept behind it—using non-creative formats as an opportunity for creative expression—remains endlessly fascinating to me, to the degree that it may or may not serve as the inspiration for a future project.
To everyone who might be hungering for the return of Outsiders, I am too. As soon as the first round of revisions are done for They Played Their Role, we’ll be back, so hopefully July updates will resume. Until next time!